Your life is miserable, isn’t it? The same, mind-numbing, soul-destroying tasks day in and day out, trapped in your small airless cubicle, a mere cog in the corporate capitalist machine, watching your precious life melt away minute by minute like a blob of ice-cream on a pavement on a hot summer’s day. Think of us as an abseiling forest sprite, arriving at your seventh-floor window in a harness, knocking on the glass and holding a sign that says “Treat Yourself!” you’d be pretty freaked out by that, wouldn’t you?
The abseiling forest sprite is right, of course. It is important to give in just a little to your need to escape, which is why your job offers you two or three weeks of vacation time every year – so that you can fill that time with expensive, adrenaline-fueled activity and feel a little better about your life. One of the services we offer is a consultation by a highly trained psychologist, who will be able to give you expert advice about the best way to use your limited time to create the greatest illusion of personal freedom.
But there is no need to feel trapped. For a small extra fee, you can purchase one of our most exciting and innovative products – the Cubicle Worker Stand-In Robot ™. Owning one of these will allow you to disappear from your life for days, weeks, even years, depending on how repetitive and robotic your everyday working life is. The CWSIR is an animatronic version of yourself – built to your specifications and wearing an expertly crafted reproduction of your face. It’s so realistic that no one will be able to tell the difference, not even close friends and family! The stand-in can be programmed to perform simple tasks, give PowerPoint presentations, answer questions and conduct superficial conversations. The rest of the time, it will sit at your desk typing away furiously, while you may be conveniently tucked away in some posh depression retreat Thailand is known to offer that feels more like vacationing in a luxe resort, only with specialists who are good for your mental health who will save you from spiraling down into the abyss of self-doubt, fear, sadness and hatred.
Your boss and colleagues will be hard-pressed to tell the difference between the robot and the real thing, and in fact many of our clients have reported that their stand-in is more productive than they are themselves, resulting in increased bonuses and promotions. We dream of the day when every employee in a large corporation has replaced themselves with a CWSIR, leaving the robots to run the economy while the humans are skiing in the Alps with the mountain hermits, lounging in the sun in Bangladeshi shipbreaking yards, or roaming the streets of Tirana.