Holidays with families are an age-old tradition all over the urbanised world. Who can honestly say they don’t fondly recall those long, dull drives, in a boiling hot car permeated with the smell of boiled eggs and cold chicken legs, staring wistfully out of the window at fields of cows with their enormous, stupid, content faces? Or their parents’ affectionate arguments once they reach the destination and discover they have, to their surprise, bought timeshare in the middle of a noxious swamp?
Travelling with children, however, can be as stressful as it is delightful. On scales of stressful activity, family holidays are rated third, just after cooking Christmas dinner for the Pope but slightly behind falling into a pit filled with rabid weasels. To help you cope, and to prevent your child’s hysterical boredom and need for attention ruining your trip, we have come up with a product which, to our knowledge, is not offered anywhere else in the Holiday Planning industry: Travelling Holiday Clowns!
Yes, that’s right. You can now hire your very own clown, who will travel in the back of the car with your kids, in full clown make-up and costume (including the enormous yellow shoes). Each clown is unique, with his or her own special tricks and amusing routines. Our clowns do everything from making balloon animals to juggling ducks. Your kids probably won’t be entertained so much as terrified out of their small wits, but either way you should be able to enjoy a peaceful, quiet journey like never before. For problem children, we can send you an extra terrifying clown, reminiscent of the one who lives in the sewer in It. We suggest that for full efficacy, you allow your children to watch the film the night before you leave on your trip – imagine their surprise when they open the car door and find a lurking clown, clutching a bunch of balloons, filing his sharp teeth! It’s fun for the whole family.
Another excellent way to keep children under control while travelling is with threats and/or bribery. Our child-care expert recommends telling them you are going to Disneyland, but if they don’t behave themselves you will turn the car right around and take them on holiday in a swamp. Of course, this won’t make any difference to their behavior whatsoever, but it gives you a good explanation for the swamp timeshare fiasco. No need to thank us!